the play..

is this weekend.
i'm not sure i'm ready.
it's my last one.
my last legacy in the Calvary Chapel Drama Ministry.
i'm going to miss it.
A lot.
so what can i do but give it my best, my all?
that's what i will do.
be ready.
be waiting.
here i come to be....

TRANSFORMED.

JESSY. we're just going to pretend i posted this yesterday. :D

JESSY! happy birthday! i love you so much!

i couldn't live without you.

Top ten reasons why i can't live without you:

1. sometimes, i think we are the same person.
2. you are the only person who doesn't think i'm a freak for buying a punching bag with my birthday money.
3. you're buying me a demon for my birthday
4. you're always there for me.
5. you're pretty much amazing. period.
6. you can spin out your car... and you're taking me with you next time
7. you are completely honest. all the time.
8. because you are the bubble wrap popping queen.
9. i can trust you
10. I LOVE YOU!
    

the big drop

there is something seriously wrong with me. i'm out of sorts.

things have gone over my head, have knocked me off my feet, have thrown me for a loop: i feel like my life is one big roller coaster of death. you can't see what's up ahead, so you can't prepare for that next curve. you know you're buckled in safe, but yet you feel like you're still going to fall. you hate, hate, hate the feeling, feel like you're going to puke, wish you hadn't ridden it in the first place, and yet here you are. as you are climbing this cliff of the unknown you clench your teeth and beg forgiveness for all the things you've done wrong in the last week. and so what's next? the drop. fast. hard. intense. it steals your breath away, and for a second you think you are not going to survive the next dangerously steep plunge. it keeps going and going and going until suddenly,

IT STOPS.

you're free. the seatbelt is unlatched, you let go of the ridiculous hold you have on the stranger sitting next to you, and prepare yourself for the next ride. you check to make sure all limbs are in place and smile to blend into the people who actually enjoyed the mess.

so my question is, why do we force ourselves onto this ride? persuasive words may find a clear facade, but down below you know all it will do is hurt.

i say, i'm done. no more rides for me. i will no longer subject myself to hurt which i need not bear.

you cannot, will not and never will force me on that again. ever.

pick up lines...

if you were the new burger at mcDonalds you would be the... mcGorgeous.

if looks could kill.. you would be a weapon of mass destruction

are you a magnet? cuz i'm attracted to you

if this is a meat market, you're the prime rib

do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?

are you an alien? because you just abducted my heart

life without you would be like a broken pencil... pointless.

was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?

i'm not drunk, i'm just intoxicated by you.

Coldplay.

"fix you"
-coldplay.


When you try your best, but you don't succeedWhen you get what you want, but not what you needWhen you feel so tired, but you can't sleepStuck in reverseAnd the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone, but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix youAnd high up above or down belowWhen you're too in love to let it goBut if you never try you'll never knowJust what you're worthLights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix youTears stream down your faceWhen you lose something you cannot replaceTears stream down your faceAnd I...Tears stream down on your faceI promise you I will learn from my mistakesTears stream down your faceAnd I...Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you

evidently i need to stop being vague..

dear jessy..
this is what is happening in my life.
love dorri.

is that what my blogs should look like? haha

anyways...
well today might have been the worst day ever. what is really funny is that it is all stuff which seems like it really doesn't matter..but it does. i screwed up in ways that really wouldn't be possible for the average calvary chapel student... only possible for me since i am the ASB freaking president. unfortunately due to my misfortunate lack of ability in remembering things and communicating with my ASB Advisor.. she got sent down and got yelled at by Jay 3 times because of me.. IN ONE DAY. which is ridiculous.

i think it all just bugged me because i felt like such a failure. and then on top of that the devil was totally being a conniving brat. because i was walking up the ramp talking to one of my friends, and then my other friend who was totally joking, just said "well, at least you're not a failure, like dorri" [good one satan, i needed that sock in the stomach]

ridiculous. but it will get better. soon i will sleep and it will be tomorrow and my mistakes will be behind me.

Good thing my daddy is the God of the universe huh.

i'll be there

Things like this hurt me so much. i want to help the person who wrote this. the person whose pain is unending, and who has no one to turn to. no person should be alone in this world.

i will be your friend.
reach out and i will take your hand.

trusting..trusting...trusting.

$1,000 in less than 24 hours. my human nature stresses...stresses...stresses.

i was unfaithful in sending out my support letters on time, and now its nipping me in the bud.

God says.. "pray, and i will give you peace...peace...peace."

it will be a miracle if the money shows up.

God, i'm so sorry... sorry...sorry.

and so there is nothing left for me to do but to say "God, it is all Yours. to You be the glory."

i am trusting...trusting...trusting.

The Bachelor

Let's just talk for a little bit about how happy i am that shannon, megan, Nikki and Lauren all got taken off the show this week. it made me want to jump up and do a dance. and let's also just take a moment to consider the perfection which would be the relationship of Jason and JILLIAN!
anywho, another thought to add onto that, if it was simply a publicity stunt to have DeAnna coming back, that is ridiculous. and it would also be ridiculous if she came back on one of the final episodes. ok, enough of the chat about the beautiful bachelor and his potential wives...
just don't be surprised when you hear "i told you so" slipping casually out of my mouth when they get married.

First Kiss...on your wedding day?

wouldn't that be a bit of sensory overload?
think about it.

just a random thought.
and your engagement pictures? probably not as cool as they potentially could be.

yes, i have been thinking about the dreaded but anticipated moment when comes the first boy who wants to stick his tongue down your throat... and for some odd reason, you think it's a good idea too. and i've come to the conclusion, that won't your first kiss be awkward and messy?
won't that kinda mess with you on your big day?
aren't you scared that you'll kiss him for the first time and it'll feel like you're kissing your brother..and then you'll be stuck with that your entire life?
i don't know.. just a thought.

this really isn't directed at anyone in particular i promise...

Today I Must...

clean my room.
i truly believe there is something psychological about living in a cluttered room and feeling stressed. overwhelming piles everywhere.. of everything from dirty laundry to school books to gilmore girls seasons and spray paint.

It kinda reminds me of my life... a pile of ASB over here, a pile of friends over there, some NHS and some senior camp... it all needs to be organized, and yet honestly, it's not.


Yesterday I Realized...

my night was like a seinfield episode.. with ironic things happening every other second.

i'm a very thrifty person.. saving little bits of money every where i go..
[always order 'to go', there's less tax]

unstress, stress, unstress, stress.... like iambic pentameter, my life is an episode of ups and downs.

i can give up control.
it's not my problem anymore.

you said it...

so i recently had a comment that my blog posts were "confusing" and full of "weird stuff". and to that i say, "what, you don't think i myself am confusing and full of weird stuff?" shouldn't you expect that out of me? and fine, if you prefer, i will write about more applicable, or say, interesting things in life.
so i am going to write a top ten list of things that happened or that are applicable to my life as of today, january 21st, 2009.

10. Never be a TA for french. this morning i began prepping paper for 782 die cut circles [blegh]

9. Tulips don't need dirt to grow. [Kelly Loock has a classroom plant now, and i am it's keeper]

8. Cherish the minutes you spend in fire drills at school, you will forever remember the classtime you got to miss because of them.

7. To do a one legged squat, not only do you need balance, but also ample leg strength [which i lack]

6. Don't wear all pink and carry around a pink cupcake. You either feel like a malibu barbie, or like legally blonde.

5. Don't trust your brother to order something he thinks you will like from a fast food restaurant [you don't even want to know what i ate for dinner tonight]

4. Let your true friends waste your phone minutes, not your potential friends.

3. IHOP never ending pancakes are better at 3 am than at 6:45 am.

2. Living in a messy room makes me stressed out.

1. Always have friends who will criticize your blog. [Jessy Nelson]

deeper than it seems

bright blue eyes and blond hair. +dark nail polish and big rings.

=

an unexpectedly beautiful combination.

A Simple Phone Call Would Suffice

today i have come to the conclusion, that no matter how good friends you are with both of the people in the couple or how much they want to include you, you will always be a third wheel. For example, for some reason, i have become very popular in the "we need a relationship therapist" department for some absurd reason recently, and so i was lucky enough to be present when one of my friends asked the other to be his girlfriend [aww, how sweet, etc, etc, etc.] However, as much as i covered it up, i simply did not enjoy myself. for some reason my joy for them finally putting a name to their relationship could not last me the several hours i was at their house. Will it last? i don't know. Do i want to be there for all the other significant parts of the relationship? no thank you, a simple phone call will suffice.

my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

it all started when i forgot my squeegie when going to wash windows....

do i even know where to begin?
-disappointing myself [self-explanatory]
-running out of minutes... and not having any money to put minutes back on my phone
-forced into once more living life as an assistant director
-losing my voice the day before auditions
-told that i look like crap by someone who i absolutely adore in front of 30 other people i know
-have a waiter make fun of the fact i'm wearing cut off jeans with cowboy boots
-have a waiter ask me if i got dared to walk out of the house like this
-end up last to get my food, and then not liking it anyways...
-get yelled at by a random man to "Get out of my way!"
-not have a seat except for the very front row at a movie theater so i get a headache
-grabbing my purse at the end of the movie to find out its been sitting in something that smells like barf.

all today.
for real?

"Go on... Take it."

I've always been a girl of initiative. A challenge, duel or competition has always been my sort of deal. My friends i strive to make closer, and i attempt to juggle way more things than seem possible just to see if i can do it. so what is it about the challenge that leads me on? is it that sudden rush of joy when i realize i'm getting closer to my goal? or is it the pursuit of all that i've been focused on for the recent past? I've come to realize, that quickly i get bored. Having won the prize, the once phenomenal trophy collects dust in the cabinet. However, in the most recent past, the tables have turned. no matter what my intuition tells me, everyone i know has encouraged me to step back and let somebody else lead the dance for a change. My significance in this dance? still very high level. My influence on when the dance will start, and how long it will last? non existent. As much as i would love to "go on..." and "take it" i know it is not my place to do so. So i will wait, and know that God has the best timing, and that his ways are higher than mine, and his plan is greater than mine.